Ambush Bug: The Boozehound
by Starsky-Hutch76
Summary: It was supposed to be an ordinary trip to the bank. Little did Irwin Schwab, the hero known as Ambush Bug, know that a villain with a very unusual super power would be attempting to make a withdrawal.


The meteor soared through space, approaching the big blue orb in the distance. Once it reached the atmosphere, it began to burn rapidly, growing smaller and smaller as it fell through the sky. By the time it reached the skies of Metropolis, it was the size of a pebble. When it finally reached the alley to fall through the neck of Ernest Bloom's wine bottle, it was barely a glowing speck.

The inebriated man brought the paper bag containing the bottle of cheap wine up to his mouth and swallowed, oblivious to the new ingredient. With a satisfied burp, he stuck the bagged bottle into the pocket of his dirty raincoat as he slumped back against the wall of the alleyway and then fell into a drunken slumber.

He was awoken by a food nudging him awake. He rose up to see a flashlight shining in his face.

"Ernie, you know the owners of this building don't want you sleeping here," the policeman said. "Now up with you."

The officer held out his hand to the wino to help him to his feet. As their hands touched, the policeman's previously clear eyes became bloodshot, his mind clouded, and he began to stumble.

"Eashy there, fella *hic*," Ernie said, catching him. He helped the officer to the ground, sitting slumped in the spot he had previously occupied. He then stumbled out of the alley, leaving as commanded.

The metal door to the back alley opened and a man in an apron stepped out. "Aw jeez. There's another bum out here," he said, approaching the officer. "Dang, he smells like a brewery." His eyes suddenly grew wide. "Hey Mike! He called out. This one's dressed like a cop!"

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Ambush Bug hummed along to "The Girl From Ipanema" as the Muzak version blared from the speakers above.

"Do you have to do that?" Scabbard groaned.

"Do what?" Ambush Bug said innocently.

"That humming," Scabbard said. "Jeez. Is this line ever going to move?"

"You got some place to be?" Ambush Bug said. "If I don't cash these royalty checks right away, that cheapskate Giffen tries to put a stop payment on 'em."

"Why couldn't we have just gone through the drive-thru?" Scabbard asked. His gaze drifted up to the pretty blonde female teller working behind the window. "Oh, I see. You've got a thing for the teller."

"Who? Jenny?" Ambush Bug started.

"Oh, Jenny is it?" Scabbard chuckled.

"Shut up!" Ambush Bug exclaimed.

Ambush Bug continued to grit his teeth as Scabbard chuckled. Both were unaware of the strange figure who entered the bank.

The figure was one Ernie Bloom, now clad in shabby long underwear, stocking cap, and a T-shirt with a cartoon dog holding two liquor bottles. Above the dog was the name "Boozehound".

He reached over and touched the head of the security guard sitting in a chair by the doorway. "Time to go on break, bub. *hic*" The guard them slumped drunkenly in his chair. He then took the security guard's keys and locked the front doors.

The Boozehound then began to move through the line closest to him, grabbing hands and touching faces. The customers he touched slumped to the ground, belching and hiccupping as they fell into a stupor. "Firsht round's on me, everybody!"

The other customers began to panic and run for the door. Finding it locked, they began beating at the unbreakable glass trying to get out.

"Hey…. *belch*... where shou all going? The party's jusht getting' started," Boozehound said.

He jumped the counter and slapped his hand on the male teller's forehead, causing him to fall to the ground mumbling incoherently. "Night night."

He then reached over and grabbed the arm of the pretty blonde teller working the next window. "You too, toots."

"Jenny!" Ambush Bug exclaimed.

As Boozehound began filling his canvas bag from the drawers, Scabbard let out a growl and withdrew his sword. He rushed at the counter and with a downward swing, the counter in front of Boozehound was reduced to kindling. The tipsy villain threw up his arm to shield his face.

"You need to looshen up, big fella," Boozehound said, placing his hand on Scabbard's bare chest. "*hic* have one on me." Scabbard's eyes glazed over and he fell backwards. His sword hit the ground with a loud clatter.

A man in a business suit rushed out of a back room at the sound of the noise. "What's going on here?" the bank manager said.

"Jusht the guy I wash lookin' for," Boozehound said, walking up to him. He grabbed the bank manager's head.

"I feel funny," the manager said as his eyes grew bloodshot. He slumped to the ground and began snoring loudly.

Boozehound frisked the manager and found his keys in the jacket pocket of his suit. "One a' dese hash gotta be to the vault."

"I bet you're right," a voice behind him said, with a pop. A green clad hand grabbed the keys out of his hand.

"Hey, whadarya some kinda wise guy? *hic* Give dose back!" Boozehound exclaimed. He turned just in time to see Ambush Bug disappear with a pop.

Ambush Bug reappeared across the room, bringing his hands up to his head and gesturing as he blew a raspberry at him. Boozehound screamed in rage at both being mocked and the sight of the vault keys hanging from Ambush Bug's pinky.

Boozehound hefted up his bag of money and ran through the gap in the counter Scabbard had created towards Ambush Bug. "Woo woo woo!" Ambush Bug exclaimed as Boozehound chased him around the bank lobby.

"Come back here with dose keys ya crazy loon!" Boozehound exclaimed, huffing and puffing from years of hard living. A few brave customers tried to get in his way and they dropped to the ground drunkenly as he shoved them.

Boozehound made one last desperate leap and grabbed ahold of Ambush Bug's legs. With a pop, Ambush Bug disappeared, taking Boozehound with him.

When they reappeared, Ambush Bug was hanging from the chandelier and Boozehound was hanging from his legs. "Aaaagh!" Boozehound screamed as his own weight pulled him loose and he fell to the floor below.

"Ugh…" Boozehound groaned, flat on his back as he looked up at Ambush Bug who was still dangling from the chandelier. "Why didn't cha…"

"It's called a full bodysuit, pal!" Ambush Bug said. "You can't touch me. So nyaaah!"

With a pop, Ambush Bug reappeared on the bank floor. "Hey, don't feel bad. I'm sure the police will be along to help you up eventually."

"I'll be long gone by then, bug boy!" Boozehound exclaimed, jumping to his feet.

Startled, Ambush Bug backed up and tripped over one of the passed out customers and fell backwards. Boozehound immediately leapt on him.

"There'sh at least one part a' you that'sh not covered up!" Boozehound growled, trying to shove his hands in Ambush Bug's mouth. Ambush Bug clamped down on his fingers.

"Yee-owtch!" Boozehound cried, backing up.

Looking to his right, Ambush Bug spied a large bag of coins laying by a passed out customer that he had brought in to be changed into dollars. He grabbed the bag and swung it, walloping Boozehound over the head. Boozehound's eyes rolled back in his head and he slumped to the ground.

Ambush Bug rose to his feet just as the police burst through the locked doors with a battering ram, shattering the bullet proof glass in the process. "Freeze! " the first policeman screamed, as panicked customers ran around him. He lowered his gun when he saw Ambush Bug standing over Boozehound.  
"Looks like you've got things under control."

Another officer walked in, crunching glass under his feet, and crinkled his nose at the noticeable smell of alcohol in the air. "Jeez! Someone have a party in here?"

"Looks like Officer Clancy was telling the truth about this guy and wasn't drinking on the job after all," the first guy said, nudging Boozehound with his foot. "Great job, Ambush Bug!" he said, slapping Ambush Bug on the bag.

"Thanks. Would it be weird to say I could use a drink about now?"

As they walked away from the bank, Scabbard rubbed his temples painfully. "How you feeling, big guy?" Ambush Bug asked.

"Rough," Scabbard grumbled.

"Hey, it's getting about lunch time," Ambush Bug said. "How about Swan's Diner? They've got a buy one get one free on their hot greasy pork sandwiches?"

"Shut up…" Scabbard moaned.

"How about that Cajun place at the corner of Siegal and Schuster? They've got an all you can eat on spicy fish gumbo?" Ambush Bug snickered.

"Shut up, Bug!" Scabbard wailed.


End file.
